What Is Wrong With Me?

I am about to turn twenty four this month. And I am as confused as I can be.

I've been trying to live my life to the fullest (most overused line ever) but recently I've been feeling gloomy and distracted. I feel like my life is actually going nowhere. I work the usual nine to five job everyday - six days each week and I am nowhere.

I like to plan my future. I mean, I've laid out everything in front me now all I need to do is find a way to get these dreams and plans into reality. So I thought, I wanted to buy a new phone so I go and save money but then I suddenly had the urge to splurge on this really great dress and I go buy it without thinking twice. And then I regret buying it afterwards 'cos now I spent my money which was initially for my phone but I can't take it back. And then I feel bad. And then I moved on. And I plan another thing to buy. And the cycle repeats itself.

Then, there's this thing about work. I like my work now because of the friends I've met. I've never had these really close friends ever since I graduated from college and so going to work every day isn't much of a burden to me. BUT. But then there are still those things (reasons) that make me not like work. Like those other people. So I end up questioning my work. Questioning my happiness. Then I feel depress and I even make myself feel worse by questioning why I am still stuck on this type of work and how come I am still earning this meager amount.

Yup. I am sucking up all the negativity like a black hole. I can't help thinking about all these negative thoughts and how miserable I am with my life right now. And that's one thing I've been trying to counter for God knows how long already.

And so just a few more days remaining and I'll be getting a year older again. I have no specific direction right now as to where I'd like my life to go. I am trying to live better by savouring each day of my life and not being too attached to the future. It'll come eventually but for now though, I'd like to focus on the present. I'm trying to live my life doing all the things that make me happy. Not trying to find the reason for doing what I do, just 'cos I want to do it.

Then there's my fangirl life. I can't believe this has to be an issue as well. I like fangirl-ing. I like to check updates about my biases. I like to enjoy their music. I like to watch all their shows. But apparently, this has to end as well. Because, as others are telling me, I am getting too old for these stuffs. And so I made a promise that is truly breaking my heart each passing day. Every time a day passes, I feel like I'm one day nearer to my end. Ugh~ I am getting too emotional right now. I don't know how I'd be living my life after then. Ugh! What is this? What has happened to my life??

Maybe I am going thru a phase in life? A quarter-life crisis


Probably not.

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